Back around 1969, psychologist Rollo May wrote in his now classic book "Love and Will"that "people are doing it more but enjoying it less. "He was commenting on the sexual revolution of the'60 's which claimed to liberate love from its shackles of repression. It seems to me that one of the great gifts for human joy and meaning has been devalued during the ensuing decades. For our health and happiness, I'd like to encourage us to reclaim the relationship between sexual intimacy and fidelity. In popular culture, sex has been devalued as though it were nothing more than an appetite to be fed or an entertainment to be enjoyed. The qualifying rationalism of the sexual revolution was "as long as nobody gets hurt. "Of course, people did get hurt.
Intimacy is more like art than appetite. Intimacy thrives when we are able completely to trust ourselves to another. Within a container of fidelity, we can risk to be who we are, vulnerable and without defenses, and create a relationship for our mutual self-discovery and fruitfulness. Like artists, we can practice intimacy, with the hope of becoming full, loving human beings.
It seems to me that fidelity is as intrinsic to intimate love as yeast is to bread. Sure, you can make bread without yeast. But it isn't the same. It isn't as lively and fluffy and expansive. When we completely love another person, we want that person to completely love us back. Something less than that is, well, something less. Casual sex is always partial," not genuinely reciprocal but rather mutually exploitative and, ultimately, mutually self-denigrating. In such an exchange, each regards his or her own sexual desire as a primary physiological need essentially separable from the deeper psychological and emotional union that is physically enacted in sexual intercourse. I contend that we cannot split ourselves into parts like that."
I'm quoting from Catherine Wallace who has written one of my favorite books. We used it one year at St. Paul's as our Lenten Book study. In her book "For Fidelity: How Intimacy and Commitment Enrich our Lives," she says: "In the absence of full confidence in the reliability and seriousness of the commitment between partners, both common sense and psychic self-preservation will demand a guardedness, a holding back, a tentativeness that impedes the development of full intimacy."
Something wonderful happens when we offer our unshackled expression of sexual desire within the fullest expression of interpersonal intimacy, when heart and mind and soul unite in a coherent celebration of living. In religion we call such experiences "holy"and "blessed. "Fidelity or faithfulness seem to be necessary containers for such self-giving. We place our faith in each other and we are blessed. If ever that faith is violated, we feel betrayed indeed. This is vulnerable ground.
Society and religion have tried to provide a nurturing container for such intimacy in the institution of marriage. Marriage or mere monogamy doesn't guarantee a healthy and happy relationship, but good marriages don't usually happen without unqualified commitment and fidelity. Now that we are recognizing that persons of a same-sex orientation have similar aspirations for intimacy and faithfulness, society and religion are growing to offer a similar nurturing container for their faithful commitment and blessing. A single high ethic which expects committed fidelity for all in intimate relationships makes sense to me. Providing corporate support for such commitments is important.
Many of the struggles and tragedies that fill any newspaper's spaces are symptoms of misdirected desires and unhealthy loves. For our society to become a people capable of compassion and trustworthiness we need to practice those virtues. Is there a more embodied way to do so than with our sexual expression ? I have some hope that any movement away from casual sex and toward fidelity will not only create happier individuals but also a healthier society.
Lowell Grisham is an Episcopal priest from Fayetteville.
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