LET’S TALK : Venters want ears, not ideas
Posted on Sunday, July 20, 2008
I don’t mind when people come to me to vent about their problems. As a reporter I’ve been trained to listen.
And those who don’t want me to put their names and their business out on the street will find that I can be pretty good at keeping mum. Besides, my memory has gotten to the point where I often forget the information I wasn’t supposed to tell.
Another reason I don’t mind listening to others vent is that — as a throwback to my quieter, book-wormy days — I sometimes feel too lazy to talk and therefore don’t mind you doing all of it.
But, doggone it, don’t vent to me about your problems if you are going to brush aside my suggestions for solving them. Actually, it was several months ago that I’d written a note to myself to do a column on venting. I’m finally getting around to it. (New note to self: Write about procrastination. ) The venting note was prompted by several people to whom I tried to be Dear Abby. It happens like that occasionally. There I am listening, and out of a sense of compassion I start mentally kicking myself for not being more of a help to the person. Listening isn’t enough, that small voice at the back of my head says. Offer this person a solution. Then, lo and behold, a brilliant solution pops into my head. So I present it, much like a kid who for the first time has money to put in the offering plate at church.
And then my bubble is burst by the venter’s response. “Nah, I’ve already tried that. It didn’t work.” “ I’ve already tried those. I hate them. ” “Oh, girl, if I do that, the problem might get worse.” Maybe I have too much testosterone. According to the experts who explain such things, communication is one of the big areas in which the two sexes are wired quite differently. The scenario, they say, goes like this: A woman vents to another woman, and the other woman just commiserates with her. The venter’s problem doesn’t get solved, but after getting her gripe out and kicking back a happy-hour margarita or two with her listener, she no longer cares as much.
When a woman tries to vent to a man about her problems, the man unwittingly commits the cardinal sin. He interrupts her and, with a shrug, makes suggestions that make perfect sense to him: “So stop buying pantyhose; it’s as simple as that.” “ If your job bites, just look for another one. ” “I don’t see a problem; just change the baby’s diaper only once a week.” “ Then divorce me and find a guy who does put the toilet seat down. ” Needless to say — er, according to the experts — this only frustrates the woman further. At this point, she’s going to get with her woman friends and not only complain about the original problem, but about her man. Over double the amount of margaritas.
So maybe I should dispense with the advice and let it be enough to look all sad and sympathetic and say, “Oh, baby, I know how you feel.” “ Chil’, you’re no Lone Ranger. ” “Awww, if only Scotty really could beam us up.” Problem is, the advice I’ve offered hasn’t always been unsolicited. Sometimes the venters ask, “What should I do ?” Hmmm. Maybe hearing advice they don’t want to take actually helps some venters to figure out their problems themselves. Shoot, it worked in the case of a committee on which I serve. Asked for hadn’t-been-done-to-death-in-Little-Rock ideas for a fundraiser, I came up with what I thought was the freshest, most innovative idea I’d had in my life.
The chairman, a real sweetheart, at least didn’t scoff. She patiently explained why such an idea would not be very feasible as a fundraiser. Then she came up with a wonderful, hadn’t-been-done-todeath fundraiser idea herself... and set about making it a reality.
So, come to think of it, keep venting about your problems. I can help you two ways: By commiserating with you (we’d best skip the margs, though ) or giving you advice that you consider to be so bad, you’ll come up with the perfect way to deal with your problem yourself. The doctor is in hwilliams@arkansasonline. com
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