HEART & SOUL : Possibility is defined by culture of family
Posted on Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Lately , I’ve been noticing the
profound effect family culture has
on our adult choices . The early patterning we receive at home that
tells us what’s possible and what’s
not can influence the course of our
lives . Sometimes it fits us well , or
supports us as we grow beyond it .
Other times it constrains us , or even
stunts our growth .
By family culture I mean the
bundle of expectations and attitudes
that surround and shape us as we
grow up . Among other things , it’s
the sense of what we can or can’t
do with our lives . It’s how we treat
other people , whether we have a
work ethic , whether we’re expected
to attend college , whether we expect
to own a home , how we feel about
faith , how we handle money .
Some family cultures include
enough supportive elements to
impart an open , expansive and empowering pattern . Others are strictly
defined , narrow and limiting . Most
are probably somewhere in between .
Part of maturing means choosing
which elements of our family culture we accept and which we reject ,
replace or set aside for a while .
A young man I’ll call Paul is struggling to break through the deeply
entrenched belief his family has that
life is literally hard work , and that
higher education is for others . If he
succeeds , he’ll be the first college
graduate in his family .
Since Paul wasn’t raised with the
expectation that he’d attend college ,
every stage of getting himself into
and through school is hard . He’s not
only doing it with little support , he’s
going against the grain of his family ,
and that’s uncomfortable .
At the same time , his family culture includes a tremendous work
ethic , being resourceful , financially
responsible and devout . If he succeeds , it will be due in part to his
using some of the traits his family
culture imparted to him while rejecting others .
Family culture isn’t set in stone ,
and one person can alter it . The
very fact that Paul has enrolled in
college has changed his family paradigm into one that at least includes
the college option . If his younger
siblings decide to go , they will have
him and his example before them .
It will almost certainly be less of a
battle for them .
At the other end of the age spectrum , “ Martha, ” now in her 60 s , told
me how her mother always made
food for families in need . Several
times a week , her mother cooked
extra food and when Martha and
her brother got home from school ,
they did chores and then took a meal to someone who was sick, bereaved, or in difficulty.
As adults, neither Martha nor her brother lived in small towns like the one they grew up in, but both have volunteered all their lives. Her brother started his church’s soup kitchen and she was a founder of her town’s first food pantry. Although Martha’s life differed greatly from her mother’s, she and her brother absorbed this sterling aspect of their family culture and perpetuated it in their way.
Sometimes, we only recognize how important an element of our family culture is when it’s violated.
Last year when a friend of my daughter’s came to live with us, her friends started visiting. I was shocked at how many thought it was OK to walk into my home and sometimes right past me without greeting me. Even if I said hello to them, they might not respond. Needless to say, I made it clear what our house rules were. Visitors who chose not to respect my rules found themselves uninvited.
Interestingly, when I put a stop to that behavior, everyone felt better, including my new middle child. At one point, we took a break from all visitors. Then, when I felt she had a good sense of what was normal for us, we selectively re-invited friends who respected our space and my place in it. Will this dose of my family culture last for her ? I have no idea. I do know that whatever she tolerates in the future, she now has our standard of respect as an option. Next week: Choosing the family culture that supports us. Write to Jennifer Hansen at the Arkansas Democrat-Gazette, 515 Enterprise Drive, Suite 106, Lowell, Ark. 72745. E-mail her at jhansen@arkansasonline. com
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